It was not an easy decision to start walking with a kipah six or seven years ago. I wanted it to be a constant reminder that l was walking in God's presence, that I am here to serve the world and not the other way around, that the people I interact with, from the prospective student to the University president, from Hillel's largest donor to the beggar at the street corner, from my newborn baby to my 100-year-old grandmother, we are all created in the Divine image and we deserve to be treated with dignity. It was also a symbol to the rest of the world, showing that l was serious about my engagement with my Jewish tradition, and that l was studying to become a rabbi. My reluctance, on the other hand, had to do with expressing what kind of religious Jew I was becoming, a message that was not carried by my kipah, even when I tried a gorgeous pink one.
But back to acknowledging God’s presence in all moments of my life, which was a huge factor in the decision. What about the moments in which I don't want anyone with me? Times in which I am about to do something that I know is wrong ‐ or simply, when I want to go the bathroom? Yeah.... The bathroom was one of my big crisis with my kipah for quite some time and it took me two or three years to stop taking my kipah off when I went there. Let’s acknowledge: there is the beauty of religion, the intricate poems we read and the lofty sermons we hear at services - and there is the messiness of life, with bathrooms and dirt, and poverty, and wars; and we are all much better served if we can keep these two worlds (the synagogue and the real world) as separate as possible.
Except that this approach is the very opposite of what the Jewish tradition has to say on the matter. Judaism, as a way of living, is not limited to the four walls of this room. If Torah is really meant to become a tree of life, it needs to encounter life, and this encounter can only happen when we open our whole lives to the values we talk about during religious services. Without being with us when we meet our daily lives and dirt, and poverty, and wars, Judaism loses much of its power and significance.
And before we get to the topic of sex, let me start with a story and a request. First, the story:
A few months ago, Lisa Brown, a Michigan State Representative, was suspended from speaking on the House Floor because she mentioned the word "vagina." Does anyone here know what she said before she got to the word vagina? Here it is the text:
Yesterday we heard the representative from Holland speak about religious freedom. I’m Jewish. I keep kosher in my home. I have two sets of dishes, one for meat and one for dairy, and another two sets of dishes on top of that for Passover. Judaism believes that therapeutic abortion, namely abortions performed in order to preserve the life of the mother, are not only permissible but mandatory. The stage of pregnancy does not matter. Wherever there is a question of the life of the mother or that of the unborn child, Jewish law rules in favor of preserving the life of the mother. The status of the fetus as human life does not equal that of the mother. The status of the fetus as human life does not equal that of the mother. I have not asked you to adopt and adhere to my religious beliefs. Why are you asking me to adopt yours?
And finally Mr. Speaker, I'm flattered that you're all so interested in my vagina but no means no.
Regardless of your position on the abortion debate, Rep. Brown was making a thoughtful claim for religious freedom in this country - and, yet, most people don't have any idea of what she said, and she is now famous nationally because of one word: vagina.
So, this is my request: today we are going to talk a bit about sex but, more importantly, we are going to talk about human dignity. Keep that in mind. Don’t let the word "sex" prevent you from listening to the values that we will discuss here today.
And, for the record, before my speaking privileges are also revoked for speaking about sex on Yom Kippur ‐ I am not the one who made the choice of topic. It's part of the traditional liturgy for this day. The text that is traditionally read on Yom Kippur afternoon is Leviticus 18, which you will find in your blue booklets and deals with rules of proper sexual behavior. There we find prohibitions against incest, and against sexual acts practiced as part of pagan religious ceremonies, and against sex with animals. We also find the following statement: “do not lie with a man in the ways of lying down with a woman; it is an abomination.” (verse22) This verse had been used as textual proof that homosexuality [at least male homosexuality) is absolutely forbidden by the Jewish religion.
Now... let me go on a detour and give you some background for how I think we need to read this text, and all of Torah for that matter. I do not see Torah as a lesson plan, a document telling me how to conduct my life, step by step. God created us in the Divine image and gave us the intellect and the capacity to discern right and wrong, good and bad and, therefore, make our own decisions. To stay within the realm of metaphors in the field of education, I see Torah as a set induction. Set induction are the activities the teacher does in the beginning of a class to stir people’s interest in the matter.
So, when I read the verse “do not lie with a man in the ways of lying down with a woman; it is an abomination," I do not read it as an absolute condemnation of same sex relationships, I read as an invitation to discuss the ethics of intimate relationship and get to conclusions that are relevant to me, my generation, my values and the world I live in. Homosexuality might even be one of the topics of the conversation, but it is certainly not the only one - and while Iwant Jewish values at the center of this process, I have the right to get to conclusions that are not the traditional ones. In the words of Rabbi Mordechai Kaplan, one of the most influential Jewish thinkers of the 20th century, "Tradition has a vote, but not a veto.”
It might sound revolutionary, but it is the traditional rabbinic way of reading the Torah. In Deutoronomy 21:18-21, parents are instructed to take their rebellious children to the gates of the city, so they could be stoned to death. I have met many rebellious children in my life (and I might have been one myself.) but I have never heard of anyone being stoned because of this. The rabbis understood that the text was an invitation to discuss relationships between children and their parents - not a free card to physical punishment as a form of education. A rabbinic text from the 2nd century asks why these commandments were included in the biblical text and the answer is, so that you can learn it, discuss it , and be rewarded through your growth.
Many Reform, Reconstructionist and Conservative communities have, for many years, abstained from engaging in this conversation. Different from the perspective I am trying to transmit here, it was understood that this passage was not an appropriate reading for Yom Kippur. You won’t find it in your Reform Machzor. But this approach has been challenged in the past 10 or 20 years. In the words of Jewish Feminist Theologian, Judith Plaskow,
As someone who has long been disturbed by the content of Leviticus 18, I had always applauded the substitution of an alternative Torah reading - until a particular incident made me reconsider the link between sex and Yom Kippur. After a lecture I delivered in the spring of 1995 on rethinking Jewish attitudes toward sexuality, a woman approached me very distressed. She belonged to a Conservative synagogue that had abandoned the practice of Leviticus 18 on Yom Kippur, and as a victim of childhood sexual abuse by her grandfather, she felt betrayed by that decision. While she was not necessarily committed to the understanding of sexual holiness contained in Leviticus, she felt that in quietly changing the reading without communal discussion, her congregation had avoided issues of sexual responsibility altogether. She wanted to hear her community connect the theme of atonement with issues of behavior in intimate relationships, to have it publicly proclaim the parameters of legitimate sexual relations on a day when large number of Jews gather. (Judith Plaskow, ”Sexuality and Teshuva: Leviticus 18" in Beginning Anew, p. 291)
I don't want to scare anyone, but I find it important to talk about some of the statistics of sexual violence on college campuses:
• One in five women are raped during their college years.
• In two third of the cases, the attackers were classmates or friends. In 25%, they were boyfriends or ex‐boyfriends.
• More than one in 5 men report "becoming so sexually aroused that they could not stop themselves from having sex," even though the woman did not consent.
• In a survey of students at 171institutions of higher education, alcohol was involved in 74% of all sexual assaults. http://wwwnyu.edu/shc/pmmotion/svstat.html
We simply cannot afford not to have this conversation or to claim that this is not a Jewish issue! Risks are simply too high ‐ there is too much at stake.
Remember my kipah and my attempt to be always reminded that every person I meet was created in the Divine image and deserves to be treated with dignity. Treating with dignity, in my view, involves not humiliating or hurting another person; not manipulating people for our own satisfaction; recognizing their feelings, thoughts and desires as much as we recognize our own. Are you being treated with dignity when you go out at night, or when you are in a loving relationship? Are you treating other with dignity? How would you define dignity? What role can Judaism have as you think about these questions?
Talking about these issues is not easy - and the topic itself is a complicated one. Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg, who is nowworking at the Fiedler Hillel in Northwestern University, wrote,
Jewish sexuality is nothing if not complex. And, perhaps, Jewish sexuality ‐ or, at least, our understanding of it - may be more complex now than ever before. Over the last generation or so, the effects of postmodernism, feminism, and queer libration have become all too keenly felt, creating something of a sea change in how we address sex and sexuality. More people than ever are talking about how to maximize sexual empowerment between consenting adults, and the belief that sexuality itself is a societal construct worthy of examination is becoming increasingly widespread. As a result of work both in the academy and in people's real lives, a whole new set of questions with which to address our time-honored traditions has become apparent. There are new ways to challenge the tradition's underlying assumptions, to think about how an ancient idea might speak to our current, ever evolving understanding of human potential, and perhaps to offer thorny sources a little sexual healing.
Our tradition teaches לא עליך המלאכה לגמור ולא אתה בן חורין לבטל ממנה. It is not upon you to finish the work, but you are not fee to desist from it. We are not going to finish addressing these questions here today - but l wanted to instill the seeds for this conversation to continue happening and Hillel is interested in creating the framework - a safe space for thoughtful, honest and respectful conversation on the topic of Jewish sexual ethics, aiming at both learning and getting to your own conclusions. If you would like to be part of it , please come talk to me or send me an email.
Gmar Chatimah Tovah - may we all be inscribed and sealed in the book of life for a year full of joy, happiness, growth and engagement with the world.
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